Shining the Light Into the Shadows of Our Hearts

“All of us have become like unclean people, all our good deeds are like polluted rags; We have all withered like leaves, and our guilt carries us away like the wind.”  – Isaiah 64:5; Selected reading from the first Sunday of Advent

“Gradually it was disclosed to me that the line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either – but right through every human heart – and through all human hearts. This line shifts. Inside us, it oscillates with the years. And even within hearts overwhelmed by evil, one small bridgehead of good is retained. And even in the best of all hearts, there remains… an unuprooted small corner of evil. Since then I have come to understand the truth of all the religions of the world: They struggle with the evil inside a human being (inside every human being). It is impossible to expel evil from the world in its entirety, but it is possible to constrict it within each person.”  – Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

“There was at that time a meeting at Scetis about a brother who had sinned. The Fathers spoke, but Abba Pior kept silence. Later, he got up and went out; he took a sack, filled it with sand and carried it on his shoulder. He put a little sand also into a small bag which he carried in front of him. When the Fathers asked him what this meant he said, ‘In this sack which contains much sand, are my sins which are many; I have put them behind me so as not to be troubled about them and so as not to weep; and see here are the little sins of my brother which are in front of me and I spend my time judging them. This is not right, I ought rather to carry my sins in front of me and concern myself with them, begging God to forgive me for them.’ The Fathers stood up and said, ‘Truly, this is the way of salvation.’” – from The Sayings of the Desert Fathers [emphasis added]

“Why do you notice the splinter in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me remove the splinter in your eye,’ when you do not even notice the wooden beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! Remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter in your brother’s eye.” - Jesus (Luke 6:41-42)


Dear friend,

Are you still with me? These are hard teachings. Perhaps upon reading them you feel defensive – your belly has tightened or a lump in your throat has developed. Maybe you were tempted to stop reading, knowing the last thing you need right now is a guilt trip. Stay with me. If my words lead you to a place of shame and constriction, I have not done what I have set out to do. Rather, I am convinced these teachings offer us a path of freedom out of shame and constriction.

In Advent we read about light and how it “shines in the darkness, and the darkness shall not overcome it” (John 1:5). We rightly interpret this as a message of hope – that peace, justice, and love will ultimately reign in the world. Yet, in our focus on the promise of peace for the world out there, I think we often miss how that same light needs to shine into our hearts revealing what is hidden in the shadows. That doesn’t feel as comforting, but I am convinced it is a necessary step toward wholeness. However, we must take care that we don’t enter this work without the guidance and awareness of a loving God, lest we get mired in shame or give up on the task altogether.

Remaining in the Love of God

 Without a deep inner knowing that we are first and foremost loved by God, any attempt at seeing the evil inside us will be futile, at best, and dangerous, at worst.[1]It is dangerous because if we take seriously the evil in our hearts without staying near to the fire of Divine love, the evil we see may overwhelm us with guilt, anxiety, and self-condemnation. We run the risk of confusing our true, good, and beautiful God-created selves with the thieves who have broken into our souls and taken up residence. This point cannot be overstated. Though there is evil in the shadows of our heart, that evil is not us. 

 Another consequence of doing this work without an awareness of God’s love is an inability to even see the evil. Out of self-protection, we become blind. This is a perfectly healthy reaction – it is not safe on the ego level to fully shine a light into our hearts, to expose all our thoughts and motivations. Why do you think being alone is so hard? We often do not like what is revealed when we see our false selves clearly. However, if we are interested in maturity in the spiritual life, we cannot bypass this painful work. The way forward is to immerse ourselves in the unconditional love of God and there – and only there – ask God to shine the light of truth into every shadowy corner of our hearts. And remember too, “A bruised reed he shall not break, and a smoldering wick he shall not quench. (Is 42:3)” The Divine Spirit is gentle in leading us to true freedom. We only see the evil within us to the extent that we know (in our bodies and in our hearts) and trust God’s love. The deeper we rest in God, the more we are able to see the divisions within our heart. The more we see, the more we grieve. The more we grieve, the more we heal.

 God Shines the Light

“A clean heart create for me, God; renew in me a steadfast spirit” (Ps 51:12)

 Who is the one holding this light that reveals the reality of my heart? The Divine Spirit who is Love. I am not holding the light. My husband is not holding the light. My pastor is not holding the light. My spiritual director is not holding the light. God holds the light. 

People in our lives may notice behavior that indicates the shadows in our heart and, within a loving relationship, it may be wise for them to name what they see.[2]We learn whose insights we trust as being true and lifegiving and accordingly, we take these insights seriously. This is a sign of a mature adult life, but the ‘clean heart’ we are seeking here is deeper than this. It’s a freedom that can only come through God’s revealing and healing.

Neither are we the primary actors in the healing of our hearts. Freedom comes through coming face to face with what is actually in our hearts and not turning away, rationalizing, or trying to change ourselves, all the while staying in the fire of Divine Love. We simply show up and God acts. God’s action in our hearts ultimately leads to more space and softness. This healing is often accompanied with cleansing tears. Tears and spaciousness are a good sign of God at work compared with the constriction, confusion, and fogginess associated with shame. Divine action leads to life and to freedom.  

 Healing our Divisions 

Both Jesus and the Desert Fathers and Mothers are quite clear that judging others is not good for our souls. Rather, we are to concern ourselves with our own failings. When reflecting on Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s quote above it becomes clear why this is so: when it comes to evil in the world, we ought to prioritize fighting evil in the very place we have the most influence – our own hearts.

We all know that our nation, our communities and many of our families are deeply divided. These divisions are perpetuated by rampant accusations and judging in both directions. I am convinced that this teaching on not judging is the most critical response to these divides. We must learn to see each other’s humanity. The only way we can see the humanity of all people – especially the ones who most deeply offend our sense of what is good, right, and just – is to reckon with the violence and hate in our hearts. Until we see and lament the violence and hatred in our own hearts, how can we see the humanity of those who wield violence? If we don’t see the humanity of the oppressor, what kind of peace are we seeking?

Let us, then, enter into this Divine light that purifies, heals, and offers the fullness of hope.


[1]I believe the guilt and shame so many people have experienced in church is a direct result of this very thing. It is not necessarily wrong to teach that “all have sinned.” But it is quite wrong and damaging to put this message above and before the unconditional, extravagant, ‘as a mother delights in her child’ Divine love for all. 

[2]As we will see in the fourth week of advent, naming what we see can be an act of peacemaking. 


Practices:

Daily Examen:

 This practice is short, simple, but profound. Through regular practice I have discovered persistent patterns of thought and behavior that I had not seen before. This act of naming has slowly penetrated into my days so that I am more quickly able to see the pattern in the moment and redirect my mind, heart, and hands away from the damaging thought or behavior. 

At the end of each day, take 10-15 minutes to review your day. 

Sit in silence for a minute, resting in the unconditional love of God. If it is helpful for you, read Romans 8:38-39 as you begin.

After a minute or two, think back over the activity of your day. Call to mind any thoughts, actions, or inactions that were contrary to the love of God. 

Name one of these explicitly. If you are able to share this practice with another person, name your confession out loud.

Say a prayer for God’s mercy. In our evening Vespers, we sing the following chant: Kyrie eleison (link)

Return to silence and awareness of God’s love.

Close with the Lord’s Prayer or another closing prayer.

Moment by moment practice:

This prayer can happen anytime and anywhere. Indeed, it is designed to draw our hearts back to God in the very thick of life – when we’re doing the dishes or checking email or playing with our children or running late or reading the news or talking to your boss or anything else. The prayer is noticing when our thoughts are turning toward judging another and turning those thoughts into prayer.

This prayer begins when you notice you are judging someone in your mind and heart. This could be the person right in front of you or the person described in the article you are reading. It could be the person you love most in the world or it could be a stranger. 

 When you are aware of your judgmental thoughts, turn your mind to a short, conscious prayer. One I typical use is the Jesus Prayer (Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner). If the setting is appropriate, I will sometimes sing a Taize chant as my returning prayer.

 Continue on with your day. You may need to return to the prayer many times or the flash of awareness may open up your mind to other thoughts.

There are times we need to be consciously discerning about people and situations. This is a kind of judging, yes, but that’s not what I am talking about here. This prayer is a way of bringing greater awareness to our habitual patterns. With this practice over time, I have discovered more space between the temptation to judge someone else and actually sending my mind down that path. This space grows and with it, so does our freedom.

The moon at Metanoia Homestead - one day after full moon in early December 2020

The moon at Metanoia Homestead - one day after full moon in early December 2020

About this Advent Series

The singular message of Advent is at once a comfort to those who are oppressed by large systems anda warning to those who prop up these oppressive systems. At the same time, it is a call of hope to those suffering discord in their personal lives andit’s a call to shine the light on the evil in our hearts. We receive this message of hope both as individuals and as members of society. And as people who both suffer and cause suffering, we must heed the warning as well as welcome the comfort. It is so easy for us to collapse this hope for peace into a warm blanket of comfort and consolation, and in doing so to miss the whole.

This series is an attempt to see more clearly the whole message. This week we look at how the Advent message speaks to us as individuals who cause suffering.